Quit complaining.

Things I hate:

• Feeling like I am complaining constantly
• Having to ask for help
• Forcing attention on me

But this is how I feel ALL THE TIME right now.  I don't know what it is about laying around all the time and not being able to fill my normal roles but man, this is hard.  Way harder than I expected.  I am still hopeful and optimistic this is all going to get way easier but I am really struggling to cope at this point.

I am also pregnant which means I am extra emotional.  I am also taking a hormone nightly which can add to general mood swings.  This just doesn't help.  I have a feeling I will come back to these thank you lists because everyday I run through it in my head over and over again so I can stay relatively positive and sane.

So for today...things I am Thankful for lately:

• Family, friends and church that are making this all doable without having to hire anyone to help with Ariy and other needs.
• Ariy being so resilient and happy.  It's hard to do this having him but I can't imagine doing it without him.  He always makes me happy and I enjoy are cuddle times and tickle times (in bed).
• Lissa coming to visit.  I had my first real visitor this week and it was AWESOME.  She was so helpful and sooo generous bringing 2 meals AND playing and loving on Ariy.  I think Ariy loved having a friend to play with so thank you Charlotte (Lissa's daughter).
• Dot being more than fine with my needy-won't-you-come-over texts.
• Friends from the east coast calling, texting and fbing.  I miss them all so much right now.
• The ability to use this time for things like journaling, prayer and reading scripture.  All things that have struggled to remain daily habits in my life.
• Baby girl doing great and so active.

One of the harder days this week was Ariy having a cold that irritated his airway so much he woke up from a nap struggling to breath.  I freaked out.  He has an inhaler but I haven't used it for almost 6 months and couldn't remember how much to give him or when or anything.  The whole episode was really difficult for me as it obviously scared me to see him like that but also to feel helpless.  I am not allowed to be the mom I want to be for him right now.  I hate that.  

There is so much going on right now in so many families.  I know of a lot of heartache and sickness and am reminded that currently I have two very healthy babies and great community.  I seriously have nothing to complain about but despite this I somehow keep jumping in and out of this dark hole.  

I am sure I will look back at this and think oh no big deal Christine.  Come on.  It was all worth it, right?

Update

I had another ultrasound this past Wednesday and things look relatively the same.  My cervix has shortened by .2 mm so I am at a 2.0 right now (I was at a 2.2 the week before).  The rate at which it was shortening went way down so the doctors think this is working.  I should expect to do this until 34 weeks depending upon how the baby looks at that point.  That puts us at early December.