26 week update

Last week I had my regular midwife appointment and today I had my ultrasound and perinatology appointment.  These appointments are fun and stressful all at the same time.  I love seeing our baby girl at all of these ultrasounds.  I never had ultrasounds past 20 weeks with Ariy so its fun to be able to see her grow and start to look like a real baby.  At the same time, the perinatologist who is basically a high risk OB, works exclusively with women who have high risk or potentially high risk pregnancies.  This can really range but I know some women go there and get really bad news.  Today as I was waiting for my ride to pick me up, a young mom, I am guessing around 26 weeks as well came out crying.  I didn't hear much of her conversation other than that she was being sent over to the hospital.  It can just be stressful.  I am thankful that so far me and baby look really good (minus the whole cervix issue - update below).

How many weeks pregnant: 26 weeks on Sunday

Weight gain:  7 - 10 lbs.  The weird yet depressing phenomenon has been my weight going down or staying the same since being on bed rest.  All this really means is I am losing muscle which makes me sad.

Cravings: I don't know if this counts because I do have a strong affinity for all things fall but I have been very excited lately about anything pumpkin including cookies, lattes, cake, bagels, etc.

Food aversions:  Still not feeling mexican food.  

Boy or girl:  Baby girl!!  She currently weighs 1 lb 11 oz and is in the 40% for weight at this gestation.  I didn't even know those charts existed for this age (before birth).

Wearing maternity clothes:  oh yeah.  I actually put all my maternity clothes in one of my dresser drawers and I live out of that one drawer.  Honestly, I rarely change my clothes unless I get to go on a big outing like to the doctors!!

Overall thoughts/Updates: I found out today that my cervix is still shortening (effacing).  It was as low as a 1.5cm during the ultrasound.  I went in knowing this would be the case.  My body is very sensitive and getting up and down too much triggers a lot of pre-term labor symptoms which equals Not Good.  Yesterday I just did too much and I knew it; while in process of doing too much I knew it.  You may be thinking, well "why do you get up then?"  I don't know.  All I know is this has been very difficult for me. I know I am stubborn and I realize I am putting this baby at risk but for whatever reason I have a hard time stopping myself and letting anyone else stop me (except for Rick usually). This is probably one of the hardest things I have had to deal with for some time  and I know in the long run I will look back and say that really wasn't that bad.  I don't know why exactly it is so hard for me but emotionally I am like a major rollercoaster right now.  

I am still feeling good about where we are going but prayer is definitely a welcome activity.  The next two weeks I am in bed, no getting out except to pee and poop pretty much.  My short term goal is 28 weeks so I just need to chill out and hand over control until then.  Ariy will be ok, my marriage will be ok, this baby will be ok.  Once we hit 28 weeks the likelihood of her survival goes way up and we can breath just a little more.  

Thank you all who have prayed and just supported us during this time.  I have needed every phone call, text, visitor, mail, nail polish, books and encouragement that I have been given.  Thank you!!!  

The day I lost my ipad.

I have not been too quick to share this story to too many people because I am a little embaressed about it.  Yes...I lost my ipad, the one I had for only 6 months.  Here is how the story goes:

My friend Lissa came up to visit our new place sometime in mid-July.  We had planned a fun outing to Lake Oswego with all the kiddos.  As we were getting ready to go, I looked up directions on my ipad while sitting on the living room couch.  I quickly memorized them as she started getting the kids in the cars.  We had to take separate cars so I ran out and put Ariy in his carseat, got the stroller from the garage and ran through the house collecting diapers, sipping cups and all the necessities to go out for the day.  Lissa followed me to our destination.  On our way, I second guessed myself and went to grab my ipad to re-look at the directions.  Well, I didn't see it anywhere near me (as I was driving) so I just kept driving and luckily we made it.  I got Ariy out of the car and into his stroller but never saw the ipad and just figured it was burried somewhere in the car or at home and I didn't think twice about it.  We hung out and Lissa and I parted ways later that afternoon and Ariy and I returned home.  Upon getting home I figured I would see the ipad sitting on the living room couch but it was nowhere to be seen.  It's now been two months and it has never shown up.

I did tell a few people this story.  The ones who do not know Lissa all said the same thing, "Are you sure your friend didn't take it?"  Lissa - I always stood up for you friend.  You would never do something like that, would you?  =)

I have to say, Rick took the whole thing really well, even when we stumbled upon the receipt and were reminded of just how much we spent on that brand new thingamajig. I think he quickly realized after marrying me that being a little bit of a space cadet was just part of my DNA.  He may not LOVE it all the time but he accepts it and works with it.

I didn't beg for a new device to play with but I think the more and more I was on Rick's computer the more he wanted me to have my own toy again.  We decided this time to go for a laptop as it was a little more affordable and can do some things the ipad just can't do.  I do miss some of the kid apps on the ipad but Ariy is still young and will enjoy those more when he is older (it is great for a plane ride though!).

Well, my new toy came today!  I am currently typing on it and excited to have such a fun toy to play with during these bed rest days.

PS.  I can't quite figure out how to edit using the spell check on here so forgive for all the errors.

Favorite performances this week.

She is just amazing...only 13!!

I look forward to 3:00 everyday when Ellen makes me laugh and cry.  This Friday, Phillip Phillip, winner of American Idol performed.  I am a huge fan!

Quit complaining.

Things I hate:

• Feeling like I am complaining constantly
• Having to ask for help
• Forcing attention on me

But this is how I feel ALL THE TIME right now.  I don't know what it is about laying around all the time and not being able to fill my normal roles but man, this is hard.  Way harder than I expected.  I am still hopeful and optimistic this is all going to get way easier but I am really struggling to cope at this point.

I am also pregnant which means I am extra emotional.  I am also taking a hormone nightly which can add to general mood swings.  This just doesn't help.  I have a feeling I will come back to these thank you lists because everyday I run through it in my head over and over again so I can stay relatively positive and sane.

So for today...things I am Thankful for lately:

• Family, friends and church that are making this all doable without having to hire anyone to help with Ariy and other needs.
• Ariy being so resilient and happy.  It's hard to do this having him but I can't imagine doing it without him.  He always makes me happy and I enjoy are cuddle times and tickle times (in bed).
• Lissa coming to visit.  I had my first real visitor this week and it was AWESOME.  She was so helpful and sooo generous bringing 2 meals AND playing and loving on Ariy.  I think Ariy loved having a friend to play with so thank you Charlotte (Lissa's daughter).
• Dot being more than fine with my needy-won't-you-come-over texts.
• Friends from the east coast calling, texting and fbing.  I miss them all so much right now.
• The ability to use this time for things like journaling, prayer and reading scripture.  All things that have struggled to remain daily habits in my life.
• Baby girl doing great and so active.

One of the harder days this week was Ariy having a cold that irritated his airway so much he woke up from a nap struggling to breath.  I freaked out.  He has an inhaler but I haven't used it for almost 6 months and couldn't remember how much to give him or when or anything.  The whole episode was really difficult for me as it obviously scared me to see him like that but also to feel helpless.  I am not allowed to be the mom I want to be for him right now.  I hate that.  

There is so much going on right now in so many families.  I know of a lot of heartache and sickness and am reminded that currently I have two very healthy babies and great community.  I seriously have nothing to complain about but despite this I somehow keep jumping in and out of this dark hole.  

I am sure I will look back at this and think oh no big deal Christine.  Come on.  It was all worth it, right?

Update

I had another ultrasound this past Wednesday and things look relatively the same.  My cervix has shortened by .2 mm so I am at a 2.0 right now (I was at a 2.2 the week before).  The rate at which it was shortening went way down so the doctors think this is working.  I should expect to do this until 34 weeks depending upon how the baby looks at that point.  That puts us at early December.

1 week down, who knows how many to go.

I have a feeling I might end up blogging more over the next few months.  I am trying to get in a routine and mostly just think of things to fill my do and I enjoy recording memories on the blog.

Tomorrow is my follow up ultrasound to see how my cervix is doing since going on progesterone and bedrest. I am really hopeful it has stayed put and has not shortened much.  I have noticed a HUGE difference since spending my days lying around.  The pressure, contractions and back pain/ache are almost non-existent as long as I don't stand up.  This is a very good sign but regardless, your cervix doesn't usually grow longer and I won't be getting off bedrest until viability of life is a lot hire for our little girl.  Last week the doctor said, at longest (and I think most likely) I will be on bedrest and progesterone until week 34.  This is when they consider the baby term and at a point that she would do well.  For many reasons, this length could be longer or shorter but for now that is my long term goal in my head.  Sooo, 1 week down and 11 to go.  When I see it that way it doesn't look quite so bad.

I am hoping to go back to making lists frequently so I can remember to be thankful and joyous during this time.

Things I am thankful for (in my first week of bedrest)

• Feeling more confident that the baby is safe and overall feeling a lot more comfortable
• Friends, family and church being so gracious and caring for us and Ariy especially
• Ariy getting more quality time with "Dada."  I can tell he LOVES it.
• Seeing Rick really step up despite being in midst a busy season for him.  He has been very thoughtful and aware of my needs as well as Ariy's. Loving us well.
• A new season of Ellen.  I won't lie, this gets pretty lonely but Ellen made me laugh and cry yesterday which I needed.
• More time to think, read, do online projects, etc.
• Journal - I haven't journaled in years.  Glad to be getting back into it.
• Ariy being so resilient so far.  He gets the hint that mama has to lie down a lot but he seems to be ok with it so far.

Things that are not easy:

• Creating a routine/schedule that I stick to.  I try and set goals of one or two things to accomplish each day but I will be honest, a lot of my day is simply doing a lot of nothing.
• Watching Ariy play or have a hard time and not being able to jump up and help in the situation.  This is really hard.  Letting go of control and letting others be the primary parents right now is so hard.
• Feeling like my muscle is wasting away, which it is.  I weigh myself last week when I was at my doctors appointment.  This was before I was on full bed rest but I had lost 5 lbs from my weigh in 2 weeks before.  I mentioned this to my midwife and she said thats totally normal (but depressing).
• Feeling bored and lonely.  This is only the first week and I think it will get better but I am used to getting out of the house often even if it is only to go to the park with Ariy.  Just laying in bed or on the couch all day gets to you after a while.  I miss seeing people even if they are just strangers at the park or grocery store.  

Why pregnancy and I don't get along: a lesson in asking for help.

I have been waiting to post anything because we have had a little bit of waiting going on around here to see just how things would pan out.  Before I jump right in to a detailed updated, I should warn that I will talk openly about my cervix.  I am guessing probably the only time in my life I will feel the need to share so  much about my woman parts.

Anyway, I am currently 22 weeks pregnant; I will be 23 weeks this weekend.  At my 20 week anatomy ultrasound, the technician noticed that my cervix did not look exactly right.  She thought it looked shorter than where it should be at this point.  If you don't know, your cervix (if your a woman) is the tunnel basically that essentially separates the outside world and the baby.  If you want a more detailed explanation and diagram check out this site.  When you go into labor, your cervix both thins and shortens (called ephasing) and opens up (dilates).  At this point in the process, your cervix should be hard, closed and LONG.  Mine looks great except it's short.  On average women should be around a 3-4cm (up to 5 even) at 20 weeks and I was at a 2.8.  Not terrible but still on the lower end.  The plan of action was wait two weeks, reduce my physical activity and go back in for another ultrasound to remeasure the length.  Ideally, it would just stay the same or get longer.

I am not sure if it was my reduced activity or the changes that were occurring in my body but during the last two weeks I felt like I gained months onto my pregnancy.  I have been increasingly uncomfortable, lower back pain, and lots of pressure, plus some days I had a fair amount of braxton hicks contractions. I knew this was all a bad sign but was just anxious for the follow up appointment to know what was happening.  The day before my appointment,  I had a bit of a breakdown. I knew that things would be changing, that I would most likely be on bedrest, that I couldn't be the mom to Ariy that I want to be right now, that I would need to depend on others, and that this little baby girl could be in danger.  Fear kind of took over and the poor receptionist at my doctors office got the brunt of it when I called sobbing.  The next day (wednesday) I went in for my follow up ultrasound.

I was in a much better place by the time I went into my appointment yesterday.  I knew what to expect so I wasn't shocked when they said my cervix is down to a 2.0.  I was seen at the perinatal office and I was able to meet with a great high-risk pregnancy doctor immediately following the ultrasound.  Basically, there is a correlation between a shortening cervix and preterm labor.  Where I am at is actually good and even though I am not as far along as I would like to be, it does give us time to treat things and hope that my cervix stays put but even so, we probably have time.  Some women who experience this, nothing will happen - they will go full term and even late.  I also have no history of preterm labor so that also puts me in a bit of a better spot.  Even so, it's really hard to know so they play it real safe which I feel great about.

I will be on bedrest most likely from here on out.  I have also started taking progesterone which is suppose to help with the whole keeping the baby inside thing.  I will have weekly ultrasounds to monitor the baby and my cervix.  The first BIG milestone is making it to 28 weeks which I am very confident in.  Once you reach 28 weeks, if you were to go into preterm labor the likelihood for the baby's survival and a healthy survival goes up to close to 90%.  The next six weeks are important though and I think this is where I ask for help.   I do want to add, outside of the fact that my silly cervix just won't cooperate, myself and the baby are very healthy.

Rick is blessed with two jobs that are fairly flexible and will allow him to do some work from home.  This will help A TON.  We also are not only living with family currently but are living closer to Vancouver which is where Rick's parents live and Super G - Grandma has stepped up to the plate to help us out despite the fact that she already has soooo much on her plate.  We are thankful.  This baby girl is already loved deeply.

Are you uncomfortable with how many times I said cervix??  Anyway...

This is when I unabashedly ask for help.
We still could use help - so I throw this out the the blogging wind of friends and family.  If you have a deep desire to take a pretty cool 17 month old out on a date, let us know!  Play dates (in Portland) would be great too.  It helps give Rick a break when he's home and gives Ariy something to do since he probably won't be getting out as much for trips to the park, zoo, etc.  Want to bring Ariy to church with you?  That works too.  Sunday's will be interesting days around here.  I also would love to see people so if you want to do dinner at my place, great! It is very hard for me to do this as I use to be a fiercely independent women but I am quickly learning that what matters more than anything right now is this little girl and to care for her the way I want to means I need to ask for help.  Thanks for reading and praying for our little girl.  It means a whole LOT to us.