Am I ready for this?
I am terrified. Seriously.
Sick kids suck - but I still love them.
This is temporary.
Ok baby girl, you can come (I think).
Mostly, the last month or so of our life has been a bit stressful to say the least. Rick and I are both by nature pretty laid back and I think for the most part that makes things work. We can make it through hard moments or learn to live on barely any income. We just do it. I think what's wrong with types like us is that there is always emotion and processing that needs to happen, we just either ignore it, write it off as no big deal and let it boil up, or attempt to process minimally.
My due date is Sunday and I am hoping for a VBAC. That means I have a timeline. The practice I work with is amazing but they really don't want me going past 41 weeks so at 41 weeks and 1 day I have a scheduled C-section in the books. I have hoped and mildly prayed that I would get to experience spontaneous labor and meet this timeline but as it nears I get nervous.
On the flip side, I have realized that I have been pretty content putting off having this baby. I mean I think it is ridiculous I was on bedrest for possible pre-term labor for 3 months and now I am looking at being "over-due." I am more than uncomfortable and physically ready to be done with pregnancy and probably done with it for good. And, I am excited to meet this little baby girl. However, every night that I make it through the night contraction free I wake up a little relieved. I still spend plenty of wasteful minutes throughout the day looking up signs of labor and reading into every uncomfortable feeling I have but I simultaneously am ok with the fact that I am not yet fully responsible for 2 kiddos under the age of 2 living and breathing here in the outside world. It just sounds overwhelming. I have had more than one friend tell me how hard it was for them to go from 1 to 2 and I just can't shake their experience. Perhaps, the stress is based on our current financial situation. I am super blessed to have a smart and money-wise husband so when things are tight (and real real tight) we can make it pretty ok and really have nothing to worry (or complain) about. Perhaps it's having a sick kid whom we had to take to urgent care at 1am the other night; our first middle of the night trip only to be diagnosed with something that looked like strep and possible pneumonia. There are lots of moments I don't feel cut out for this and the last couple days have felt like that. Last night I realized every time I woke up listening to my son cry out in his sleep "mama mama" because he feels so awful I was also happy to not have another baby laying in the pack n play next to me. Cue the guilt/epiphany.
I do want this baby girl - so bad. I just am realizing I can't do this alone and some days are going to suck real bad and some days are going to be really hard. I am praying hard not that the timing works out perfect; that Ariy is perfectly healthy and happy when I go into labor and our house is spotless and completely disinfected (this was my prayer yesterday). Today I am praying for strength and anticipation No matter when she comes I will be ready because I am surrounded by people that love and care for me and my family; friends and family both near and far have been amazingly supportive. It may be hard but she is going to be a major blessing to this family. We are blessed already that the outcome is as positive as it is despite some initial scares. I just can't wait to see her face. Bring on labor.
This is a picture posted by my friend Lara. The question (what will God do if...) and answers (God will...) were a great reminder to me as I face this new adventure.
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