364 days in my new job

Tomorrow marks Ariy's one year birthday. I have been thinking about the post I would like to do about and for him but I also have been thinking about the fact that I have now been a mom for almost 1 year. I am shocked honestly when I say that out loud.

I don't know if I have fully taken on my identity as a mom. I mean, I love Ariy so much and wouldn't change a thing but sometimes when I am away from him or when I go to get him from his nap, I think "wo, he is mine. Forever.". It's hard to wrap your mind around.

I think one misconception I had was that I would feel very different and ignorantly I thought I would be more complete. I had what most have when it comes to getting married; I thought Ariy would make me understand myself more. To the contrary, I have only felt those holes, insecurities and all the baggage I carry behind me become more noticeable than ever. Thankfully, Ariy pushes me to surrender those things and pursue wholeness in hopes of being the best mom I can be. I have started making steps in directions I really needed to take and have noticed so much change already.

I am a messy mom. Or maybe, I am a mom who doesn't mind mess. Ariy has fully entered tornado stage. He moves through the house with an unbelievable skill to make everything end up on the floor, in piles, dirty, and sticky. I am the Mom that mostly ignores it or becomes a twin tornado next to him. Daddy is not sure how he is liking living with two tornados.

I thrive when I am "fed.". Generally speaking, I mean socially fed but also vocationally. I need to build friendships and to get to know people. I have enjoyed pursuing friendships since being a mom. It it does take intentionality. I also notice myself feeling very insecure about how to navigate friendships now being a mom. Sometimes I can't hangout alone. Will they mind having a baby around? When I get the chance to go out on my own, will my other mommy friends want to get out too or would they be offended to know I was going out alone?! I am a better mom and wife when I get my time; whether that's working, going to a coffee shop or hanging out with friends. This is important for me and I am thankful for the family that make this possible.

I'm still every bit me. I am quirky, I love colors, I eat too much junk food but I love health, I love people, I'm deeply insecure but working on it, I enjoy working hard, I am messy, I like to laugh and I love reality singing competitions. This was all true before ariy and still true now. I am beginning to embrace the fact that I get to be my strange self and raise my child. I will love learning about his oddities and embracing the many uniqueness he has.

I love being a mom. I am very blessed. My hope for year 2 is to really embrace the title of mom. Own it. I am a mom and hear me roar or something like that. I also hope to continue to work towards wholeness realizing that I will always be me.